HI HATER! The Old Cat Lady is Emerging!!

This is going to be a really Naked blog. Where I am going to really expose myself to you. I had a period of self reflection and I came to an awful truth. I think I am becoming a Hater. According to the reliable UrbanDictionary.com.

"Hater: A person that simply cannot be happy for another person's success. So rather than be happy they make a point of exposing a law in that person.
Hating, the result of being a hater, is not exactly jealousy. The hater doesnt really want to be the person he or she hates, rather the hater wants to knock somelse down a notch."

This is a hard pill for me to swallow because I am usually happy for my friends and family when they find a good man/woman or success in their carreer. But at 26, I am beginning to notice a different type of me is emerging. It started at Thanksgiving. All the cousins that I grew up with are in a relationship and have children. The house was full of children, at least nine from varying ages. Being around children makes me nervous, because I see them as breakable. Well, I found myself not really wanting to be there. Listening to how little so and so, did this in kindergarden or preschool, were just plain boring to me. I try to be concerned or care, but I just dont. They only talk about the babies. BORING!! Whom is pregnant agian, or whom is getting married, I just dont want to hear it. Everyone is growing up, its seems but me. Maybe I am just spoil, I am used to people caring about whats going on in my life. Noone cares!! They would say

"Chandra, how is work?...Uh huh..Ok." Or I hate when they
say "So, when are you going to settle down...tick tock.tick tock.. your pretty
and smart, there is no reason you should be single! I know the perfect guy" I hate these conversations, I rather die!

My parents are the only son or daugther from my grandmothers without children. My older brother, 31, does not have kids either. My mom loves babies; holding them, changing their diaper, cuddling them. My Dad gets on the floor and plays with them. Ugggh!! Its hard because my grandmother is not getting any younger, and my grandfather is dead, and if I do have children. I want them to know my grandmother, because she had such a profound effect on my life.

My friends are in a steady relationship, so they want to spend time with their MAN or Lady instead of hang out with me. When we do hang out, they talk about their relationships. I want to be happy for them, but how can you really be happy for someone else, when its an area in your life, your not happy about. This means, I go out of my way to ignore them or conviniently miss their calls. Most times, I rather just be by myself. I am beginning to love my own company so much, that I rather be by myself than with other people. Which is different, because I USED to be a people person.

So emerges the old bitter cat lady. She is like my shadow. I feel like I am trying to run from her but I cant. She is always in the back of my mind. Judging everyone, hating everyone that is not single like I am. My mom says that, when you get old it sneaks up on you. One day you look in the mirror and your old. You ask yourself, when did my breast begin to sag, or when did I get this bald spot in the back of my head, where did all these grey hairs come from. Why do my back hurt when I wake up, why so much pain in my body?

Everyone was young and vibrant once, even the old cat lady. But she missed her time at life. She missed out on the children, the husband, the house with the picket fence. Now, only thing she looks forward to is getting a new dog or cat, the next episode of Tyra, or getting mail. She told herself, like I tell myself now, I have time. I am only 26.

The hard thing is I REFUSE to settle. My older brother would say "Chandra, your expectations are too high" or he would comment on the way I look. He would say "maybe if you lost a couple of pounds, you can find a good man" "I know you think being big is good, but most men want someone skinny or thick" My mom says "are you trying to get to know people??" Why should I have to settle and change the way I look to get a MAN?? It is not that, I dont have male suitors, I do. But the OCL always find something wrong with them. One is too short, the other too tall. This guy is boring, that one talks to much. One guy at work, Chocolate, I like but he plays too many games. I am too old for games.

Life in the latter part of my 20's has become quite alien. I feel as if I am an Onion. I am rediscovering myself day by day. I took a picture the other day, I did not recognize myself in the photograph. My look is changing. I am maturing. I am not the immature, bright eyed girl who saw the world with ROSE colored glasses. That layer of my life is shedded alway. I am becoming a woman. I must admit its scary. I see life as it is, and not what I want it to be or what my parents taught me to believe. And apparently, the old cat lady is somehow apart of this new me. I must live with the fact that maybe in my story, this Fairy princess does not ever find her Fairy Prince, and she lives forever as the old CAt lady. She morphs into this bitter, hate filled and envious virgin of herself, which is the only thing keeping her human. Keeping her alive. That and loving my always adoring Cats..